My dad was a Coal Miner and as a result, I was raised for part of my life in a coal mining camp in West Virginia. During this time, I looked at love with its many difficulties, through rose-colored glasses. As long as mom and dad were ok, I was ok and the world was ok. “When I was a child, I thought as a child….” At times, when a problem arose with either of my parents and it could not wait, mom would say, “Stay here (in the house), I need to talk to Distance”. They would retreat to their conference room (backyard) to resolve problems. My siblings and I never saw my parents smoke, drink, fight, argue, or cuss. Did they get angry with one another? Yes. When mom was angry she called him “Distance” and he called her “Rooster”. I introduce my parents because even after my siblings and I were grown (40, 28, 21, 22, 19 years old), to us and all their many friends, we could see no cracks in their marriage. They were the perfect picture of respect for each other, love, and marital bliss for 43 years. Then all of a sudden “Distance” left the homestead (at night), the divorce papers were delivered (within days), and within 30 days “Rooster” murdered “Distance” and killed herself on a Memorial Day weekend, in the daytime (12:00pm), in the public. Children, grandchildren, other relatives, and friends were devastated by the act. They should have received Oscars for their performances. Who do you still love or hate for such a heinous act?
Though still painful, I tell you my story because I have first-hand experience with gray divorce. Oftentimes, as we grow older, we tend to assume that relationships and marriages become more stable. However, the reality is “gray divorce” – the dissolution of long-term marriages among older adults – has been on the rise over the years.
What is it?
Gray divorce, also known as “silver” or “diamond” divorce, is the dissolution of marriage where at least one spouse is over the age of 50 (mom was 60 and dad was 65 years old). This demographic has seen a significant increase in divorce rates. Around 25% of all divorces in the United States now involve couples in this age group.
Changing Societal Norms and Attitudes Towards Divorce in Older Adults
Societal attitudes towards divorce among older adults is a norm. Traditionally, divorce was often stigmatized and embarrassing, particularly for those in their golden years. However, as the millenium generation ages, there is a significant shift in the cultural acceptance of divorce, even in long-term marriages. According to them, the new 60 is 40 years old; the new 70 is 50 years old; the new 80 is 60 years of age, etc. “STILL PRETENDING TO BE YOUNG”.
Financial Independence in Gray Divorce
The increased financial independence of older adults, particularly women. As more women have entered the workforce and achieved financial stability, they have gained the confidence and resources to leave unhappy marriages, even after decades of being financially dependent on their spouses (stay-at-home moms and raising babies). Baby Boomers have given them a label – Cougars. They haven turned their attention and affection to 21-35 year old men (the age of their grandchildren) and it’s acceptable.
Empty Nest Syndrome in Gray Divorce
The “empty nest syndrome” – the emotional and psychological adjustments that occur when children grow up and leave home via college or marriage – has also been linked to the rise of gray divorce. For some couples, the sudden lack of parental responsibilities and the resulting changes in their relationship dynamics can lead to a re-evaluation of the marriage. The hate for one or the other that has been brewing for 35 or 40 years finally surfaces – they want out. Men begin spending more and more early hours sitting in bars, drinking (something they had never done).
Health Issues/Aging in Gray Divorce
The challenges and stresses associated with health issues (breast cancer, stroke, heart attack, prostate cancer, etc.) and aging can greatly contribute to the decision to end a long-term marriage. When you add menopause, mid-life crisis and care for aging parent(s) to the equation as couples try to navigate the physical and emotional changes that come with growing older, this strain on their marital relationship can become too much to bear, leading to the decision to divorce.
Submitted by Gabby
Gabby
Aging is a very trying time, it is scary because couples have never traveled this road. They often make mistakes they can’t recover from.